It's late at night, isn't it? Ika held the [[Knife]] in her hand. First her left, then her right. Back to the left. It had been three days since she touched a knife. Always asking her partner to cut her food, when needed. She'd feared this moment, for she felt the urge to... Urge to... [[Cut]]. Tossed to the right hand. *I don't deserve this. I'm past that, right? I'm a different person now, with a new name, a new life, new opportunities...* Tossed to the left hand. *But don't I deserve to retribute for those I've made to pass? Surely something like this would be small steps, but still worth it...* Tossed to the right. *I'm a new person, though, I mean, I'm not who I used to be. I should learn to forgive myself before others can forgive me, if they want to at all.* To the left. *I could forgive myself through harm. Justice through punishment. That's what the anthemic say.* To the right. *Punishing myself does not help others.* To the left. *It would feel better to get your mind off it, though. You've felt the pain before.* Toss. *I don't need to feel it any longer.* Ika stood in the kitchen for what felt like hours. In a way, she missed the red that would leech out, justifying her anguish. That would make her feel validated. All she felt was guilt, guilt of her past, guilt that she couldn't wash away. She tried to logic with herself. *If I knew a contract killer, and they were forced into that position, I wouldn't blame them. They didn't have any autonomy... You'd blame the person that trained them, that forced them into that life, then you'd hug the killer, forgive them for everything, let them weep into your arms...* But she couldn't turn it around on herself. *It was my hands that did it, though... Wasn't it? It's all fragmented now, but... every time it comes into my mind, it feels real...* The emotions were too much, and it was too late, and her mind was already broken enough. She went to the toilet and vomited, a lot. Lost the whole dinner her girlfriend had so lovingly prepared that night. She felt a little better afterwards, though. She didn't want to wake her partner this late - no, not again. She needed to talk to someone who would understand, and who would be up this late. Rushing out the door in a bit of a sloppy outfit, she hopped on a bicycle and pedaled down the rocky road that led down from her cabin. Taking a left into the woods, she kept going, *needed* to keep going, damned be the time of day. *Anything to get away, anything to keep the feelings at bay. Just keep pedaling, pedal like your life depends on it.* *No, no, I shouldn't. These late night endeavors have been worsening me, not making me better. Maybe if I go to bed, just try to sleep... I'll be alright.* Ika hopped off her bike and walked it the rest of the way home, the moon illuminating most of the path. She opened the door, took off her shoes, her jacket, put back on her pajamas, and slowly walked up to the bedroom door. She creaks it open. The flame of her life, still sawing logs. Hadn't even noticed she was gone. She slipped back into bed and let her mind wander, though this time the thoughts were more... pleasant. Not the infinite stresses of the past, but instead of the present, the quiet life she'd built with her partner. She felt an arm on her chest, pulling her in. She quietly accepted it, hearing a soft, "I love you so much!" from Mako in between snores. Ika smiled, for once. "I love you too." She snored away, starting to [[Dream]].